The Journal of Kyle Broflovski
by MidoriUshanka
Summary: So, I've decided to keep a journal of my life. For a few reasons. One, I thought it would be a good idea to be able to vent my feelings and thoughts out somewhere. Keeping them bottled up would be next to impossible. Two, my mom made me.


So, I've decided to keep a journal of my life. For a few reasons. One, I thought it would be a good idea to be able to vent my feelings and thoughts out somewhere. Keeping them bottled up would be next to impossible. Two, my mom made me.  
>So this book will be a bunch of faggy little entries about my life. And if anybody is about to read this, I guess have fun.<p>

-Kyle

5-12-2011

First entry, woot. Today my mom bought me this journal as a gift. And FUCK no, it's not a diary. Screw whoever thinks that. Anyway, this is my first entry.. and so far this whole idea seems pretty faggy. Oh well. So I guess I'll start out with the basics about myself. I'm Kyle, I'm 16 years old, I'm Jewish, I'm openly gay, I smoke weed, and I'm dating my best friend. Not a lot to know about me... Well. Nothing's really going on in life other than the fact that today my brother, Ike, found out that I'm smoking pot, and he threatened to tell my mom and dad. I just love him so much... You could detect the sarcasm in that statement, right?  
>Whatever. I don't really expect to use this journal often. It's a really stupid idea anyway. Oh shit. I have to go eat dinner. So. Um. I guess that's it. How the hell do I end an entry? Do I say bye? Whatever. Fuck it.<p>

-Kyle

5-25-11

Okay, so I haven't written in this stupid thing for a few weeks, and my mom was giving me shit for it. So I am practically being forced to write in this. I really hope this gets published someday. That way, after I'm dead, people will have some insight on why I may or may not have gone insane from resorting to writing in a diary. That actually made me laugh.. I haven't laughed in a while. Things with Stan are getting shitty. All we've been doing is fighting.. And I can't stand it any more. It hurts, ya know? To be fighting with somebody you love. I just don't think it's gonna work out with Stan. And I hate myself for feeling that. God Dammit.  
>Well anyways, before I get too off topic, tomorrow is my 17th birthday. Yay. I've had my license for a while, but tomorrow I think I might be getting a car. I hope so, because I hate having to use my dad's car to get around. I want to be able to have my own ride once in a while. I guess every teenager wants that. But yeah, tomorrow I'm turning 17. I can't wait. Holy shit, this is so gay. Just- no... Night.<p>

-Kyle

5-26-11

Holy crap! I'm actually putting an effort into writing in this thing consistently. Hurray for effort, right? Well I think I forgot to mention in my last entry that yesterday was my last day of school. Next year I'll be a junior. Yay. Oh, by the way, today's my birthday. In case you couldn't grasp that from the last entry... I'm turning 17 today. A bunch of people came over to my house. Stan, Kenny, Butters, Clyde, Craig, Wendy, Kevin, Jimmy, and Cartman. Yes, sadly Cartman. He came to my birthday and practically ate the whole cake. The only good thing I guess you could say he did, is that he refrained from calling me a Jew. I still hate him though.

So, I got a new cell phone, a new flat iron (hehe.. my hair sort of broke my other one) a few law books from my mom, (yes I want to be a lawyer), some money from my grandparents, and yep, a car. I feel kind of good about today. But It's like 11 at night, and Stan's here, so I should go... because he's waiting for me. Haha, later.

-Kyle

5-30-11

What's today? Monday? Damn, I haven't written in here for a few days. Good thing my mom didn't notice. I find it kinda weird that I'm actually writing in here by my own will. I guess.. it's not so bad. But it's still totally gay.  
>Okay. So the reason why I'm opening you back up again is because I have something to get off my chest. I think it was Saturday, I was hanging out with Kenny and Stan. And we all know that Kenny's a total pervert, right? It's not news to anyone. But this is kind of what got to me. We were sitting in Stan's room, hanging out and fucking around. Fun times, nothing could go wrong, right? Wrong. Stan went up to go to the bathroom, and as soon as he left, Kenny came straight up to me, and fucking kissed me. HE. KISSED. ME!<p>

I'm livid about this.. And it's not because he did it.. I'm livid, because what's wrong is that I actually... liked it. What the hell am I saying? How could I have liked it? I'm dating Stan, and even if things between us are kind of tense right now, that doesn't mean I can go off and let other guys kiss me- and LIKE it! I'm scared about what I'm feeling. I'm really confused, because now whenever I think of Kenny.. well.. Something starts going on _downstairs. _If you know what I mean. And what's weird is that Stan never made me feel like that, and I never remembered feeling anything like that towards Kenny. It's scaring me. Help? Well who the fuck am I kidding? You're a book. You can't help at all... Shit.

-Kyle

6-2-11

It's gotten worse. Every time I'm hanging out with them, and Stan's not looking, Kenny tries to make a move on me. Sometimes he grabs my ass, and other times he winks and blows a kiss to me from across the room- I can't take it! I feel so horrible, and disgusting! I know I should tell Stan.. but I don't want to hurt him. It's killing me.. And what's worse is that I _like _the way Kenny's making me feel. It's wrong, I know. I'm basically cheating on Stan.. but I can't bring myself to tell him. I disgust myself.  
>-Kyle<p>

6-7-11

Kenny came over today.  
>Big mistake.<br>We had sex. And I completely regret it.. even though it was fun. I felt guilty the entire time. I wish I could take it all back. I hate myself for it. I want to tell Stan, but how can I break it to him? He'll hate me. I don't want to do this. I can't take this any more. Hiding this is killing me. I wish I could just evaporate, and escape. This fucking blows.  
>No pun intended.<p>

-Kyle

6-7-11

Yes, I'm entering on the same night. Deal with it. I.. I can't believe I'm actually resorting to a book in order to solve my problems. Talking to a counselor, or an actual human being would probably be more efficient. But I hate shrinks. So I decided I have to tell Stan, and I'm doing it tonight...

I want to die. I hope I get killed. I've been sobbing for the past half hour, staring at his text. I don't know if you can tell, but my handwriting is being affected by the shaking of my hands. I'm crying so hard that I'm shaking. I'll write what the text says:  
><em>Kyle, I don't know how you could do this to me. I thought you loved me. I know you're going to say sorry a million times, but honestly I don't think sorry will cut it this time. You've gone too far. So save it. Save your apologies for the next guy you cheat on. Because I'm certainly not taking them- they mean nothing to me. Don't even bother to reply to this text. I need time to think about this. I'm really, really disappointed in you.<em>

I feel like dying. I know I deserve to. I hate myself for this. I'm so sorry, Stan.  
>-Kyle<p>

6-8-11

You know those nights where you just lay in bed and cry yourself to sleep? Last night was one of those nights. I've been throwing up over worry, regret, fear, and disgust. And I don't even think Kenny knows. I highly doubt he'd care, anyways. So I guess I'm just writing in here to pass the time. I'm waiting for Stan to text me. I can already tell that when my phone starts buzzing, I'm gonna have a mini heart attack. That's how anxious I am. It's summer, so there's no forcing Stan to talk to me, or see me. This could take forever. It already feels like I've been waiting for an eternity. I might die of anxiousness before the text comes. Dying would be nice...

-Kyle

6-9-11

No text. I'm worried.

-Kyle

6-10-11

Still no text. Can't stop pacing.

-Kyle

6-11-11

The text came today. And it was as bad as anticipated- maybe even worse.

_Kyle, You deeply disappointed me. I really don't think we should continue to see each other further. I can't trust you after this. And hey, just because we're not together any more doesn't mean I don't have feelings for you. I'd be devastated to see you with anybody else, but I just can't be with you. I'm sorry. _

So now that I'm a single, lonely, depressed little boy, I think I'll go cry. Sounds fitting.

-Kyle

6-24-11

Yes. I know. I haven't written in here for a while. But I don't have an excuse. All I've been doing is moping around- I certainly haven't been too busy to add an entry.. maybe I've just lost interest. The idea of writing in a journal seemed stupid to begin with. And how has it helped me at all? Sure it keeps me busy, and gives me something to do, but there's nothing really to write about any more. My life is boring, and it feels empty.. Like there's no meaning. I haven't talked to Stan since the 11th. I'm too afraid to say anything to him. And I definitely don't want to talk to Kenny.  
>I've resorted to Cartman. God help me.<p>

-Kyle

**A/N:  
>OMG :D I'm actually kind of excited to see where this goes. Tell me if I should continue!<strong>

**~Heron**


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